Do you ever read a phrase that someone has texted you or a post on social media and because you cannot hear the inflection in their voice, you are not sure how they meant it? The English language is so weird. Am I right? When you read the title of this blog what did you think? It could go at least three different ways. First, you could have read it in all caps “SILENCE” like a really serious professor just yelled at the entire class to shut up and listen. Just a hint, that’s not the way I meant it. Haha. Second, you could have read it like a mom whose kids were just dropped off at school and the whole house is quiet. In this type of silence, there is peace. Although this kind of silence is wonderful during your busy life, that’s not how I meant it either. Writing this blog the silence I am meaning is the kind where you feel invisible to everyone around you and it’s the season in life when you feel like God is silent.
Does this ring true with you today or can you remember a time you struggled with feeling like God wasn’t there? I remember when all I wanted to do was be invisible. I’ve talked about my anxiety in past posts and this would have been around college when my anxiety was high and I was surrounded by ridiculously talented individuals. I didn’t have confidence and hid behind oversized shirts and hoodies. I’m a perfectionist and I knew my talent couldn’t compare to theirs so I didn’t try. Looking back I regret not trying out for the traveling worship team. That year I believe they went to Europe. Even if I wouldn’t have made it, I wish I would have at least tried out because now I will never know if I was good enough to make it. As a part of my music degree, I had to take aural theory if you are not familiar with this class, it was ear training or aural skills in a music theory study in which musicians learn to identify pitches, intervals, melody, chords, rhythms, solfege, and other basic elements of music, solely by hearing. Let’s just say this was one of my hardest classes. To some, this comes very naturally but for me, it was the most unnatural idea. Going into college I received a scholarship for music based on my vocal performance. To keep this scholarship you had to at least receive a grade of C or higher in every class. This wouldn’t have been a problem most classes I did very well but stinking aural theory I ended with a D. I didn’t think much about it, I was just glad to pass and be finished with that semester because I struggled so much. Until I received a phone call from the scholarship office. I was taken off guard and the person on the other line proceeded to tell me that because of my grade in aural theory I will no longer be receiving that music scholarship. Talk about a blow to the gut. My mind was filled with doubt and negative thoughts. I wanted to crawl into my dorm room bed and never come out. I felt alone and it was during this time I felt like I constantly asked God where are you?
Attending a Christian College we had chapel every day of the school week. Most day’s I enjoyed chapel but during this season I sat in the very back or in the balcony and most of the time zoned out. When my friends asked me if I was ok, I said “I’m fine” and went on with life. One day I decided to partially share how I had been feeling with one of my closer friends. She was a great person but didn’t really understand how I was feeling on the inside. When I mentioned feeling like God was silent, she decided to share the footprints poem. If you are not familiar with this poem it essentially says It describes a person who sees two pairs of footprints in the sand, one of which belonged to God and another to him or herself. At some points the two pairs of footprints dwindle to one; it is explained that this is where God carried the person previously making one set of footprints. My friend had all the best intentions sharing this with me but it didn’t feel genuine. Honestly, I don’t think she knew what to say. It’s hard to speak into something when you’ve never experienced it. What I really needed was to know that I was being seen by the people around me and that I was being heard by God.
I started focusing on Romans 8:38-39 I have heard it many times before but at this time in my life, it hit me in a new way. It says, “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” If you are struggling today read that scripture again. Write it down and put it in places you look often. I want you to know if you are reading this and feeling the silence screaming all around you. I want you to know I see you! You are worthy. You are strong. You matter! You are LOVED!
I pray that this blog today was an encouragement to you and can help in your daily life. Always know I am available to pray with you or just be someone to talk to when life gets hard. E-mail me at megan@churchanywhere.us if you need prayer!
Talk to you next Monday!